She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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