I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
