Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Randomize
