from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
