My Higher Power is John Stamos
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
