My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
