Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
