God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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