I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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