What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
