im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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