hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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