god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
