Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
