did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
