i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My ass is underappreciated
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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