When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
he thought i was a dude.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
