I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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