I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
