new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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