At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
