do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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