Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
