I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
