U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
So apparently I’m into choking now
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
