Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize