singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
