Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
