R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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