I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize
