I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
