i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
