The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
