Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
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