Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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