my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize