when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
