Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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