So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
