I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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