Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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