She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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