so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
