she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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