just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
