This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
