remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
