They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
