Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
