My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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