So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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