Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
