Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
