i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
