I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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