Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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