worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i dont even know how to be here
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
