I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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