is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
